1. Some parents like to believe that their children can talk to them about anything. Yet others in fact do not want their children feeling quite so comfortable. Why do you suppose that is?

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            Believing your child can talk to you about anything can be an ideal notion about parental perfection. While trust is common in the formative years (2-6) in parent-child relationships, a child’s innocent openness can decline, in varying degrees, from one day to the next. Multiple variables may contribute to this developmental inevitability, which may include, but are not limited to, a child’s increasing rate of independent discernment, discrimination, and perception, and both the intentional and inadvertent signals given by the parent in regard to topics or confessions that may lead to unwanted consequences in terms of a child’s personal needs.

Some parents may not want their child to feel comfortable talking to them about anything because of their own discomfort, which is commonly due to a lack of confidence in their ability to provide their child with an appropriate response. Parents cannot teach a child a lesson they have not learned themselves and so “anything” becomes tricky, or problematic, because “anything” outside of the PARENT’S comfort, experience, or understanding cannot be achieved because of the parent’s lack of experiential understanding.

            Oftentimes when a child needs guidance, support, or instruction in an area outside of the parent’s wheelhouse of information, the parent automatically shuts down the interaction. The parent doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t have access to the answers in the moment, and might not have time to be introspective about the best course of action. The call here is not one of perfection but of tenacious mindfulness and reverence to the station of parenting.

 

When asked a question they do not know the answer to, parents can honestly and simply respond by saying: “I don’t know the answer to that, so why don’t we look it up.” If there is no time to do so at that exact moment, then set up a time and be sure to follow through. In this manner, myriad lessons are being taught simultaneously, the least of which not being the overt lessons and modeling of what honesty, vulnerability, and suspension of ego looks like in action (“actions speak louder than words” and a child learns from example and repetition). For the child, the underlying message here is an undeniable as it is crucial: You are valued, loved, and respected

            John’s urging readers to take a parenting class or read a book is a sage suggestion because it invites parents to accept that there is a lot they don’t know and that that is perfectly OK.

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2. How might Cindy’s fate have been different if she had talked to her parents about the kidnapping incident?

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            Her experience might have been much different. If she had been able to talk to her parents (“about anything”), they could have counseled her about cooperating with the police, and thereby assured the safe return of the kidnapped Shapiro baby. This would have mitigated her culpability and her parents could have supported her through the legal consequences. She would not have been left without the parental guidance she so desperately needed.

            Unfortunately, Cindy did not consider confiding in their parents a reasonable option, and her teen mind could see no way out. She only compounded the problem by returning to the mansion with Lenee. She became traumatized by the culmination of events that occurred there, and at Saint Joseph’s Cathedral. Further, the isolation and disconnection she felt in the mansion guest room prove to be no different from what she experienced when she finally escaped to her own home. This led to her utter despair.

            While the common response of the conscious mind is to reject or deny trauma, the natural survival instinct in the unconscious is inclined to confront trauma. Ultimately, this is what Cindy did, she faced the primary traumatic event: The extraction of the baby’s heart. However, she did not do so with a conscious and healthy aim to process the trauma, eliminate its power, heal, and grow past it. She became lost to it as she embraced and tried to re-create the traumatic event.

            The uninstructed and unsupervised reorchestration of a traumatic event is typically seen in physical and sexual abuse cases, from which pathological behaviors—pathologies—are formed. Generally speaking, these are unconscious attempts to re-create—over and over—and thereby seize control of the traumatic event. By controlling the event, the victim (or survivor) of the trauma can experience a false sense of security in face of the life-altering event, and may even derive pleasure from the experience, however twisted, deranged, and harmful to self and others. The abused becomes the abuser.

In Cindy’s case, she re-created the fatal details of a murder, self-inflicting the gruesome carnage, which could only result in her suicide.

 

 

3. Mr. Charms sensed something terrible had happened to upset Cindy. Should he have insisted she tell him why she was so distraught?

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            Insisting teenagers open up and tell what they are holding back will invariably be met with resistance—especially when it involves something they believe will get them into trouble. The family of three was sitting at the dining room table when Mr. Charms sensed and saw signs that something had upset Cindy so. Clearly, he had no way of knowing how serious the problem really was, that earlier in the day his daughter helped kidnap a baby boy.

            Since insisting Cindy be honest with him would have been futile, he should have been honest with her and insisted she hear him out. He should have told her he could tell something was wrong. Insisting she hear him out would have been an opportunity to assure her that no matter what had happened she was not alone, he was there for her and would help her through it. This could have given her hope that getting past it was a real possibility, that she had options. Instead, she was led to believe her only option was to return to the mansion with Lenee.

            When she managed to escape from the mansion, she was not the same girl she was before she left home several days before. She had been traumatized by what she had experienced and what she had witnessed. The mental breakdown that prompted her parents to take her to the hospital should have alerted them that under no circumstances should Cindy be left alone. At that point she needed far more than legal counsel and her parent’s support, she needed psychotherapy and perhaps psychotropic medicinal treatment.

 

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4. How important is it that we establish open lines of communication with our children?

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            It is of utmost importance, and it begins by establishing trust. This is the same rule for any relationship. In regard to children admitting or confessing a wrongful act, ostensibly, they fear getting into trouble. Yet, on a deeper level they fear being disapproved of or having love withheld far more than they fear punishment. This fear of rejection and avoidance of being in “trouble” becomes a barrier to authentic and open communication. So trust must first be established.

            Open lines of communication are essential to all relationships, but in the parent-child relationship, you have an adult and a child, which places the responsibility of healthy communication on the adult. Imagine if the children in John’s story were able to trust their parents to guide them and protect them more than they feared rejection and punishment. A child being able to feel safe enough to be imperfect with a parent is the greatest variable when considering open lines of communication and keeping them open because it is grounded in a child trusting the parent to love them regardless of the mistakes they have made.

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5. Is there more we can do besides simply telling our children they can talk about anything?

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            Yes. We can learn how to listen to our children. Building a bond of trust in any relationship begins with being fully present. Meaningful connections are made between human beings when they feel seen, heard, and valued by one another. In this way we feel accepted. People would do well to understand that listening to children is a learned behavior that requires a conscious effort, and that it requires practice.

            Parents are often quick to reject this notion because they are convinced that they do listen to their children. However, when asked to honestly reflect and consider if they spend more time nagging, complaining, accusing, commanding, demanding, ordering, bossing, correcting, questioning, doubting, belittling, and dismissing their children than they actually listen to their children, they come to realize that not only do they not listen to them, but they don’t know how to effectively communicate with them—not in a manner that is conducive to open lines of communication.

            This is far more common than people realize, or are willing to admit. Parents mistakenly feel like they should know everything when it comes to their kids. Once we accept that we simply are not trained how to be a parent, we can understand why parenting education is as imperative as it is invaluable.

 

 

6. Are you willing to build a relationship of trust and respect with your child, even if it requires a full-time commitment and coming out of your comfort zone?

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            This is such a deep and hard pressing question. Of course, it is a question that can only be answered by the individual. I will say, though, that if you have read this far into these questions and answers you are heading in the right direction. Good for you.

 

 

7. If irritable parental speech fosters resentment, can a patient and respectful tone of voice inspire trust?

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            Yes. We have two forms of verbal communication, context and tone. In other words, what we say and how we say it. Oftentimes, because of our biological wiring, when we hear an angry, frustrated, irreverent tone, the message is lost. This is because the child only hears the tone, which signifies that they have disappointed the parent, have behaved badly, are in trouble, or at the deeper levels, they are unworthy.  This message gets reinforced as much as the context message transmitted through the words. This is that unseen territory of development that is happening continuously, and because it is not observable on the surface, is often ignored, unfound, and inadvertently swept under the rug.

            It can be difficult to be mindful of tone without making a conscious choice and then diligently honoring that decision with practice until it becomes habitual. If parents truly want their message to be received, they will self-regulate their tone in a mindful effort whenever addressing their child. Eventually, an effective communication strategy will prevail.

            And of course we are going to make mistakes. Modeling how to make mistakes responsibly is a precious lesson that often gets overlooked in parenting because parents strive to maintain authority. I challenge this approach and posit that a child will learn more from watching a parent demonstrate respect, love, and imperfection than they will otherwise. For example, we could say to our child, “What I said to you was important but the way I said it was disrespectful and I’m sorry for that.”

            Ultimately, as adults, parents have the power. When children are on the receiving end of a parent owning a mistake, they feel respect, first and foremost. This goes a long way to strengthen trust between parent and child. Additionally, the child is given a prime example of the next step that should be taken when you have behaved badly with another person. They are taught that everyone makes mistakes, including parents. In this is a valuable lesson about power: With power comes responsibility. And in this are lessons in humility, courtesy, and kindness.

 

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8. The age a child begins developing a sense of modesty may vary and sometimes parents feel inconvenienced when their child expresses a need for privacy. Example: “Don’t come in yet, Daddy (or Mommy), I’m not dressed.”  Is it important to be considerate of the boundaries a child attempts to set?

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            Absolutely. Allowing a child his personal space, modesty, boundaries, and natural development into comfort around topics of modesty is health-promoting and teaches children that their experience matters, they matter, and advocating for their needs, wants, and boundaries is an integral part of human interactions and communication. Parents will need to regularly bring attention to this, especially to girls, because girls more often are taught to please and be pleasant and are at risk of not developing healthy boundaries or even knowing that asking for boundaries is a personal right and/or hallmark of a healthy relationship.

 

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9. Do you think Mrs. Embleton’s disregard for boundaries may have contributed to Paul’s Oedipus complex and other issues?

 

If you Googled Oedipal complex this is what you would find:

 

            The Oedipal complex, also known as the Oedipus complex, is a term used by

            Sigmund Freud in his theory of psychosexual stages of development to describe

            a child’s feelings of desire for his or her opposite-sex parent and jealousy and

            anger toward his or her same-sex parent.

 

There is not enough information/history about the initial development of Paul’s libidinous desires toward his mother to make a determination as to whether or not Mrs. Embleton’s disregard for boundaries and personal space directly contributed to Paul’s over-developed Oedipus complex, which is usually resolved at an early age. However, knowing the extent of her disregard for boundaries and Paul’s homicidal and suicidal thoughts connected to his incestuous desires for his mother, there is no doubt that Mrs. Embleton’s attitude and behavior made a powerful impact on Paul’s continued Oedipus complex and on all of his issues.

            The scene where Paul was masturbating and his mother came in and stopped him was very hard to read. Mrs. Embleton was dismissive, degrading, and perpetuated his sexual attraction by being a seductive figure along with being putative and shunning his sexuality and sexual expression. I felt very badly for Paul when I read this and interpreted his mother’s behavior as cruel and unusual.

 

 

10. Notwithstanding that there is a difference between wholesome and degradative teasing, should a parent be careful with teasing in general?

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            Yes, mindfulness about teasing is paramount because teasing has a fine line between fun and hurt feelings. The distinction is not hard to make. Examples are seen in real life as well as in film and TV. Children need some guidelines in this area. An educated discussion about teasing can be very useful.

            The important message here is to harness the awareness that parenting happens overtly and subvertly. The child is constantly absorbing, organizing, structuring, and closely watching your modeling. You are always on display and the child is automatically assimilating information into their worldview.

            Aside from when a child is asleep, there is no pause button or exception; every moment counts and every moment is a decision between teaching a healthy set of patterns/behaviors or unhealthy ones.

           

 

11. What could be the advantage of an educated understanding of the different stages of a child’s emotional development?

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            Understanding the different stages of a child’s emotional development brings about multiple advantages for parents. With even a general idea about what a child may be experiencing emotionally, in terms of development, the parent is better prepared to facilitate the patience and understanding that is conducive to the healthy development of a child’s emotions. This can go a long way to reduce and replace the stress between parent and child, and in the parent’s inability to comprehend what is “wrong” with the child. Far too often parents take a child’s behavior and misbehavior personally, consciously filling blanks with imagined motives and intentions.

            The unforeseen, entirely unexpected benefit many parents encounter when pursuing education about their child’s emotions is the realization that their own emotions may be underdeveloped. While outwardly many people are able to function according to social norms, inwardly they might suffer from varying levels of anxiety and other debilitating emotions. Wellness, a state of holistic well-being, is available to anyone. By achieving all dimensions of wellness parents are better able to assist in their child’s emotional maturation.                                           

 

12. Paul and Lenee engaged in some degree of sexual experimentation. Thirteen-year-olds Johnnie and Jimmy Haskell took a game of “show me yours I’ll show you mine” to another level. What are the differences between a young child’s curiosity about anatomical differences and a young teen’s curiosity about sex? Are there any similarities?

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            When children are exploring anatomical differences there isn’t really sexuality at the helm, it’s more about natural curiosity about physical differences. How are our bodies different? And then an observable difference can be seen.

            With teens, however, it’s different because there are hormones and feelings co-created and this frankly creates a powerful storm of feelings that include fear, excitement, arousal, bonding, intimacy, etc. Of all the topics here, this is surely the most provocative because in our culture sex is not treated and discussed openly and honestly. Sexual desires are often viewed as perversions, which oppresses healthy exploration and in turn can serve to pervert an otherwise natural expression in young minds.

            The ramifications of this create problems that are carried into adulthood. Sex is stigmatized and shame becomes an unfortunate part of the equation. If we could eliminate our own inhibitions, insecurities, fears, and distortions about sex our children would have a better chance to understand and develop a healthy attitude about sex.

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13. Can a parent’s overreaction to natural curiosity have an impact on a child? How so?

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            Yes. Shame is so closely tethered to topics of sexuality that a parent’s overreaction only serves to reinforce an overall negative connotation about something that is completely natural. As a child grows and begins to experience sexual feelings and desires they may be inclined to believe their feelings are “dirty,” bad, or wrong. Consequently, they may be convinced that something is “wrong” with them. Unhealthy defense mechanisms develop, a need to be secretive about their feelings, hiding, masking, and compensating for something that is, once again, completely natural.

            It is no wonder that fear, unpreparedness, and discomfort cause the topic of sex to be pushed off for another day or onto the other parent. But the grim reality is that a child’s curiosity can be met on the internet, and in very distorted and unhealthy ways. The best way to teach our children about this very challenging subject matter is to lean into the discomfort. It should be done with transparency rather than fear and directions that forbid the experience of sexuality to begin.

 

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14. Is Mr. Harwood’s problem with his daughter, Lenee, common?  How would you help a father like Mr. Harwood whose issues are so deeply rooted?

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            To some degree, Mr. Harwood’s problem might be more common than anyone would like to think. He seems to represent the attitude of an individual who was infused with shame and misinformation about sexuality at a very young age, which was then reinforced throughout a lifetime. Sex is stigmatized and super-charged and so largely related to politics and religion and how we make laws and rules and ratings, and any number of social conventions that contribute to unhealthy attitudes about sex.

            As for “helping” any parent who does not ask for your help, at the very least they will be offended. But our moral obligation is to the child. If we see abuse, it is our duty to say something—to the parent and/or the proper authorities.

 

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15. Jules spoke of numerous abuses Mamaw and Papaw inflicted on Julian. All of the youths in this story suffered one or more forms of abuse.  What are they?

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∙ Lenee: Verbal abuse. It seemed the sudden change in her father’s attitude took her by complete surprise. The vulgar labels Mr. Harwood assigned to his daughter deeply affected her. She was known to present as emotionally withdrawn, moody, and she dropped all of her social extracurricular activities. The abandonment of her father’s love and support made her feel ashamed for wanting and needing something that had always been a natural part of her life. She ended up believing that she was no good, that she was no longer worthy of being loved. By the time she met Jules she was desperate to believe in him and what she thought he had to offer.

∙ Cindy: Neglect. The abuse Cindy endured was far less dramatic, by comparison, even subtle, though long term it was no less harmful. Mrs. Charms had taught Cindy from a very young age to never bother her mother for anything, unless it was absolutely necessary. One might correctly expect this would cultivate a sense of independence in her. However, it did not result in a healthy sense of independence. The reinforced underlying message Cindy received was that she was not important enough for her mother’s time and attention. All abused children, be the abuse emotional, physical, or sexual, eventually believe they are responsible for the way they are being treated. On some level they believe something is wrong with them. This can create deep-rooted confusion and distort a child’s sense of self-worth. Cindy internalized false beliefs about her value as a person. Consequently, she did not like to bother anyone for anything. She refused to answer Paul’s texts and phone calls for fear of being rejected. In her mind she had to resolve the trouble she’d gotten into with Lenee on her own. She simply could not bear to risk Paul’s disapproval. Little did she know what Paul’s distorted self-identity had led him to.

∙ Paul: Physical, sexual, and verbal abuse. Mrs. Embleton alluded to physically abusing him with her warning to Max and Johnnie that Paul would “plenty sore” if he wasn’t home soon. With her six-foot-three, WWE muscular frame, I imagine the very anticipation of corporal punishment being as frightening as the act itself. The way Paul was sexually abused was not in the way we normally think about sex abuse, but his mother’s inappropriate touching of his genitals is, by legal definition, sexual assault. Verbally shaming him for performing a perfectly natural act in private only served to escalate Paul’s self-loathing to a toxic level.

 

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16. Red was likely guilty of patricide and matricide. What forms of abuse do you suppose he may have suffered?

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            We have only two clues about Red’s relationship with his parents. First, on p. 182 we learn that he felt suffocatingly oppressed by his parent and couldn’t see a life beyond them, which at the very least meant they were strict and overbearing. Second, they were a family who did not believe in smiling, as photo-journalled in the photographs that hung in the main hallway of the mansion, in chronological order. Smile-less family portraits, why take them and why display them? I’m thinking narcissism, probably the father, who was likely a domineering sociopath. Also absent in the photos was the slightest hint of distress in Red’s face, which could have partially explained his parent’s murders as the ultimate consequence of parental fault. Based on what little we know as opposed to all that we do not, I am inclined to believe that he was not abused, not in any classic form. He may have felt trapped by his own lack of ambition and lack of imagination, and that he would be forced to experience a prolonged dependency with these people he knew as his parents. His complete lack of empathy suggests an antisocial personality disorder. He likely connected with his homicidal potential while under the influence of Jules. Red’s parents simply became obstacles that needed to be removed.

 

17. Despite their age and their obvious love for one another, Johnnie and her father Lou continue to have a dysfunctional relationship. Does this necessarily mean that Johnnie was abused as a child?

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            Considering their dichotomous dysfunction and undeniable closeness, this is a great question. And no, despite their knock-down, drag-out fights, it doesn’t mean Johnnie was abused. What it means is what John wrote this story to convey: Parenting education can literally make the world a better place. For everyone.

                 

                                

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Just for fun…spoiler alert

             The first hint of Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder came early on, in the county morgue with medical examiner Rick Meyers: “And while an adult can readily possess the emotions of a child, you might want to consider there were two separate personalities involved. Two perps, at the very least.” (p. 49)

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a) Before it was explicitly revealed that Julian and Jules were the same person, were there any inexplicit instances presented where the only logical explanation was that they were in fact the same person?

           Yes, when Johnnie heard another voice conversing with Julian in the storeroom at the Rave X party, the storeroom she had exited mere seconds before, leaving Julian in there by himself. (p. 151)

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             There was another incident in the mansion kitchen when Cindy and Julian were talking while they washed dishes at the sink. Julian had looked behind them, Cindy did the same, and then turned back to find herself face to face with Jules. (pp. 199-202)

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b) Where was Cindy when she experienced her first glimpse of Julian and Jules interacting?

            In the mansion library, looking through the cropped valance curtains that covered the window on the French doors. (p. 187)

c) What was Cindy doing when she later reflected on that spectacle?

            Trying to avoid being hypnotized by Jules. (pp. 203-204)

d) Do you recall the two instances where a comparison was made between Johnnie’s and Cindy’s initial reactions to the Julian/Jules spectacle? What were the circumstances when these instances occurred?

            The first occasion was when reference was made to Johnnie’s initial reaction on p. 286.       The second comparison occurred when Max was introduced to Julian and Jules in their dissociative identity glory on pp. 290-291.